Sunday, 12 October 2014

Hopelessness and loss of community

Everything's a bit bleughh now. Had to force myself to start typing this. Decided, in a desperate, scraping-the-barrel for ideas way, that trying to write on here more often might make me feel better (hollow laugh). Mainly this is because I have lost my number one mentalness confidant, but also because I keep writing mini-essays in discussions elsewhere on the interwebs, which would be good to have in one spot.

Bleughhh again. So, thing is, over the past few months... and especially the last six weeks... I've been increasingly more depressed. My usual thing is to be horrifically low when I wake up and feel a lot better by evening, but this is a horrible sluggish, dread-in-pit-of-stomach, can't concentrate on anything and no joy in the world bleughhhhness that barely lifts at any point. I've had enough. I cannot come to terms with how much of my life has been lost feeling shite, how I've been misunderstood, labelled and condemned, how I've now lost so much confidence I can barely talk to people at points. I'm tired of facing an increasingly bleak picture as time goes on, because the people who should help refused and gave me worse nightmares, and still try to twist things to cover their backs today. I'm tired of being practically ignored by the CMHT. I say “practically ignored”; they seem to think I need to learn Mindfulness and DBT skills to help me “tolerate distress”. The only way to get proper therapy to reduce the distress is to go private. (I'm very lucky someone else is paying for me; or I'd be without treatment still.) Anyway, the CMHT seem to have this idea that my problem is emotional instability, and that's what I need to work on (in a patronising, critical way, to boot). The fact that what cripples me is the depression seems to have entirely escaped them. They honestly seem to think if I can bottle everything up inside and not bother anybody, I'll be fine. It is so frustrating.
This is not working, I want to die even more now.

No-one has any principles they actually stick too. The aforementioned friend basically buggered off because his new(ish) girlfriend is ridiculously clingy and against him having female friends, it seems. For his part, he seems quite happy to pander to this, spending every possible moment with her and just clearly not giving a crap about anyone else (everyone has noticed/is annoyed at him for this). I have to keep pretending I'm ok, but I'm not; this is killing me. It scares me how I basically can't trust anyone, can't really be wanted or included. I mean – how do you tell if you can trust somebody? This was the last person I'd have thought would do this; it's like his principles and life outlook are just chucked out the window.

But what hurts most is: I don't matter. I'm expected to keep living, every fucking day, so people like him don't get upset, but nevermind that I'm in pain! If I killed myself, he might stop to realise that perhaps I needed a friend, and certainly not the
loss of a friend. But there is no actual way to ask for help, to explain. And even if there was, I don't fucking matter. But I really thought I did, so how do I tell? Why can't I really be wanted?

I need community. I spent my life looking for like-minded people to live around, to spend time with. I thought I'd found it here but it seems like everyone abandons their principles... or their
supposed principles... and just does the mainstream thing. It felt like there was community before, now it is gone... or I am just shut out of it to some extent, or maybe both. Or maybe the community wasn't what it seemed, but just a moment in time with various friendship groups that drift away over time. But I genuinely thought – because it was something people actually talked about, and there were so many people who would be viewed as hippy-types – that there was a desire and intention to live more communally than is the norm. I liked that... I needed it. You know, the idea that it's not all revolving around the 'nuclear family' or couples, but a real community vibe, supporting each other and living closely alongside each other, popping into each other's houses and eating together. But it seems it isn't real; others are someone not really into it, and people like me who are not firmly attached to close friends we've had for years are going to be alone as ever. I mean, I'm not completely alone or anything, just there really doesn't seems to be that firm sense of, and desire for community that there once was. It frightens me, it takes away the one thing that is the opposite of the pain, fear and dread inside me. The one thing that I'd been looking for.
I feel like a teenager again, like someone turned off the light.

There is a lovely man... Mr. Blokey from before, in fact. We're taking it very slowly. But, nice as it is, he does not replace a community. Hmm I sound really ungrateful writing that, but I'm not. I'm just very aware than a full community, not just one man, is what I need. I don't want to live the life I feared in my teens. I want to find a real sense of community, even if it's just a solid group of friends.

Ho hum.